This is my blog. I enjoy playing and writing music.
I’ve been battling depression and anxiety for a few months now and I was starting to get an upper hand these past few weeks, then I read something this morning and it triggered stuff in my brain and I feel like I’m back at square one. So that’s awesome.
I should be happy.
I never post here anymore and I don’t expect anybody to read this or even really do anything about it. But it’s 3 in the morning and I’m awake and I can’t sleep.
I am incredibly unhappy.
I’m just now coming to that realization. I have two jobs and an internship. One job is a dead end job that will take me nowhere in life, I work with moronic people who don’t give a care in the world about work ethic or anything else. I also do manual labor for a pool company, I frequently spend 12 hours or more in 100+ degree heat. Sure I make good money and I actually enjoy the work sometimes but I only work when there are jobs and it’s so sporadic that sometimes I have there jobs a week and sometimes I have no work for over a month. So, now I’m at a dead end job, and a decent job that’s sporadic and I can’t depend on it. Then comes my internship, I’m a production intern at a music venue. I perform the duties of stage manager, stage hand, sound production and engineering. I am most qualified for this job, I work my hardest at this job and I get payed nothing to do it. You can say I’m getting payed in experience and sure that might be true but I’ve already got 5 years of experience under my belt from jobs I got payed to do in this field.
So there’s that, three jobs, all of them making me miserable in one way or another.
I have rent, utilities, auto insurance, phone bill, student loans, and various other costs and bills all due at the end/beginning of each month and I barely make enough money to pay for any of it. This stresses me out to no end.
This unhappiness and stress has been giving me severe anxiety to the point that I sometimes break down and cry, I have never been one to cry. I didn’t even cry at my grandfathers funeral whom I loved more than almost anyone. But now I’m driving home from work and I break down crying and can’t stop. I go through every day afraid that I’m going to have an anxiety episode at work or in public and that stresses me out which just gives me more anxiety. It’s hell.
All of this piles up and it’s starting to bog me down, I’ve felt more lonely and unhappy in the past month than I ever have in my life and it’s wearing me thin. I find it hard to get up in the morning and go to work or church, most days I just want to lay in my bed and do nothing. Maybe it’s depression, I don’t know.
What I do know is that it sucks and I’m fairly certain it’s my own fault.
Maybe I’m using this blog in a slutty way right now but…
I’m in a band called LUCA. We’re about to release a free album on December 23rd at midnight. You can have in fact I want you to have it.
It would be super cool if you payed us a visit on facebook, instagram, or twitter.
I think these are my wedding colors….